That's me. If you're not up for a royally derpressing post then I suggest you look elsewhere. I'm not an easily depressed person and I'm afraid I'm not very sympathetic toward people who are inclined to be easily depressed. For that reason, I fully expect a host of rebukes and scoldings. Whatever you do, lend me no sympathy. I deserve none and I certainly desire none. A good slap will often accomplish what a kind word could never do. At least in my case. ;-)
~sigh~ I'm bored. Out...of...my...mind. Really--out of my mind. Like, I can't concentrate on anything. I've been trying for a couple of hours to come up with a Sunday School class for tomorrow and I still have nothing. How hard is it to find a craft to accompany God creating the land and plantlife?! For the average person it's not hard at all. For the person bored to distraction it is quite difficult. At least for this particular person bored to distraction on this particularly boring day. I've been through four books and scrolled through countless Internet pages only to realize in the end that I'd forgotten what I was even looking for... several times. Can't we just talk about God giving us "rest" tomorrow and call a nap time during Sunday School??? ~sigh~ No, that will never do. Especially not after we've had two good Sunday School classes in a row and I feel like the kids are actually starting to look forward to class. We're at the place where we might be able to grow a real bond with each other and get into a regular "this is an important part of my life" routine for them, you know? I don't wanna flop now! I'll have to pray some more and try again later. I fear this will be one of those up-'til-2:00am-trying-to-put-together-what-I-didn't-get-put-together-earlier kind of nights. Oooooh, I hate those. They used to be the norm for me on Saturdays, but I've been doing much, much better about planning things earlier. Until today. ~sigh~ And I feel like doing nothing.
It's the kind of day where you don't feel like doing any work and you don't feel like enjoying a "day off" either. There are things that should be done, so I can't justify doing the fun stuff at this point. It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way, but it's like I'm in a state of half-reality. Like my brain is foggy and everything seems like a dream. A really, really boring dream. I have so many jumbled up thoughts, but not deep ones. Just simple, unimportant, silly little things rolling loosely around in my mind. Like... I wish I could dance. (This one may get me in trouble! Ha) Always wished I could dance. Not AT a dance, just in the privacy of my very own home, you know? To actually flow with music and not stumble and bumble all over the place. Seems like it would be sooooo fun, but I'll never know. I wish I could write. I mean really write--like poetry that's truly inspired and enlightening. Not all that mumbo-jumbo poetry that's so "deep" you have no idea what it's talking about, I mean real poetry that has actual rhyme and rhythm and draws to a proper conclusion of the subject at hand. Oooooh, I wish I could sing. I've been listening to me lately and I really can't sing. I can usually carry a tune okay (but not always), but my voice is very weak and almost a little annoying. I'm thankful that God doesn't care--He enjoys hearing me sing with the voice He chose to give me, so there is comfort in that.
Oooooh. I just had a terrible revelation. I'm having a MELANCHOLY DAY!!! Yipes! Talk about depressing!!! I am a Phegmatic-Melancholy personality by nature, but the Phlegmatic is usually dominant enough to squash out any of the pathetic Melancholy woes and I stroll merrily along through life without enduring the sad and dark colors that a typical Melancholy seems to shade their lives with. All is usually happy and fun in my life, not sullen and gray. What an ugly way to live life! I can't imagine feeling like this every day. I would so much rather be a sarcastic, low-key Phlegmatic who takes great joy in the quirks of others than the one who provides the quirks for all of the other Phlegmatics to make fun of! Ha! Okay, at least now I feel hope. I know the solution...
So, all you Phlegmatics out there--WHERE ARE YOU?! I need you now!!! I desperately need a Phlegmatic to come and mock me out of all of my self-pity. I need somebody to tell me how pitiful I am in good, well-colored sarcasm, enough to paint a clear picture of the foolishness of my groveling and slap me back to reality and out of this stupid cloud of gloom. Ha! I can't believe I said that! "Cloud of gloom!" How Melancholy can you get?! That is soooooo pitiful! I think perhaps I'm slipping down into the depths of despair. My soul is anguishing in the darkened abyss of loneliness and there is no soul alive who my senses can revive. Ha! Ha! Ha! No, wait--I can do better. Oh, that I were never born! To never have entered this cruel world of pain and despondency! To be free from the chains of grief and woe that encompass my soul and to soar away, never to be seen or heard of again--this bitter world would be less troubled without my meaningless existance anyway... Ha! Ha! Ha! Okay, I think I healed myself. This is the first time I've laughed in hours now. My brain actually feels a little clearer, too. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate on Sunday School now! Wa-Hoo! ~sigh~ To think, all I needed was a little mockery. The solution is often so simple. *shaking head* Still, I will welcome all of the mockery and riducule any of you can dish out. It might help later on, just in case the chasm of hopelessness begins to tug at my spirits again. Ha! Ha! Ha! Really, let 'er fly. If I'm willing to publicly confess to embarrassing thoughts of loneliness and self-pity then I fully deserve and expect the proper derision that should naturally follow. Don't make me come up with all of it by myself. It might depress me again. ;-)
Sinking into the dismal gulf of dolefulness, hopelessly lost in wretchedness of spirit, with not the smallest hope of recovery... (HA! HA! HA!)
~Bummed Out Becki~
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